Slacker Me

I started posting to this blog with good intentions of keeping up on it, damnit! Then my sister talked me into starting a MySpace page and it all went to hell. I guess MySpace is alright, if you can get past the terrible html abuses, frenetic banner advertisements and the overabundance of teen angst. :-/

Anyway, that's kinda what I've been up to. Reconnected with about a dozen old friends who I thought had pretty much fallen off the face of the earth. Woot woot!

Been doing a lot of photography, of course, which should be evident from the Flickr widget in the sidebar. The grapes are ripe now, and a drive out into the county is wonderfully thick with the smell of them.

I was out at one of the Sul Farms locations in Harborcreek this evening, shooting. I had a momentary bit of dismay when I arrived, because I saw one of the rows of white grapes first, and they'd already been harvested. Fortunately, the Concords are still on the vines, beautifully ripe and very photogenic.

Zombie-Proofing Your House -- Options for Every Budget

I keep getting these search engine hits on 'zombie-proof house' and the like -- ALL the time. (My favorite to date is 'zombie-proof pictures'.)

I've had some time to think it over, and apparently there's some kind of need for this advice, so I guess I'll oblige.

First solution -- the fantastically unrealistic

Whatever the cause of zombies might happen to be, the best possible zombie protection is going to be a remote island. Worst case, if everyone who dies always becomes a zombie, a small island with a limited population could minimize the risk of an outbreak more-or-less indefinitely by following a few simple measures. (I think I read something like this in a Stephen King story.)

Residents would know what to do if someone died during the day -- immobilize the corpse immediately. Machetes, aluminum bats and shotguns would have a place alongside fire extinguishers. Houses with only very narrow (or grille-covered) ground level windows would be a must, as would strong, locking interior doors, panic buttons, panic rooms, and strong exterior locks. That way, even if someone were to die unexpectedly in the middle of the night, come back and infect the rest of the household, the problem could still be contained to a single residence.

Second solution -- the highly unrealistic

Assuming though, that you're not among the handful of people who could afford to buy an entire island and set up a self-contained community there for you and your closest hundred or so friends, (somewhat) less extreme measures could still drastically improve your quality of life in the post-apocalyptic wasteland.

If you're in the highly eccentric, multi-millionaire club, I recommend a compound with a drawbridge, machine gun turrets and 12' walls with razor wire, surrounded by a 16' deep dry moat and an exterior concrete barrier strong enough to stop a semi without budging. That way, even if someone (living) were to try to crash your haven uninvited and in doing so compromise your defenses, they'd have a pretty tough time getting in. Under normal circumstances, little or no sound or light should be observable from outside the compound walls.

The interior of the compound would be stocked with Lots o' Firepower, several years worth of MREs and enough potable water for several months, and have the necessary space and a stockpile of seeds sufficient to plant a garden or maintain a greenhouse inside the walls. The garden/greenhouse should be large enough to sustain its residents indefinitely. Likewise, the compound would (ideally) have both gas and water wells on site, along with rainwater collectors, solar cells, diesel-powered generators and water purification gear. Throughout, blunt weapons and shotguns should be standard emergency equipment.

The interior of the compound would be broken up into smaller units, each of which would have a portion of the short-term survival supplies and could be sealed off individually in the event of a breach. Units would be separated by sets of airlock-type bulkheads.

Now it's not that I'd want to leave, or recommend that anyone do so, but if zombie movies have taught me anything, it's that it's just as important to have a way out of a sealed enclosure as it is to have one in the first place. To that end, there would be two exits -- the drawbridge would be the 'front door'. A well-lit underground tunnel sealed with multiple bulkheads and leading to a smaller concrete garage several hundred yards away from the main compound would be the 'back door'. Ready at both exits would be armed and armored Hum-Vees. Ideally, both exits would have locking mechanisms that required some kind of intelligent interaction to open, and they'd be designed in such a way that it'd be very difficult to leave one open and unsecured.

Outside the compound walls, you might also install light & sound generating stations. These could be activated on demand for the purpose of attracting zombies away from the walls and/or exits -- if an escape were needed -- or so that approaching zombies could be diverted and picked off via the machine gun turrets. (You wouldn't want them eventually piling up in the moat to the point where the wall could be scaled.)

Third solution -- possible

Stepping down another level from highly unrealistic to somewhat plausible, a brick house in which several floors could be secured independently would provide reasonable protection, especially if all of the doors were of the steel security type, and the windows were of block glass or otherwise able to withstand repeated blunt force impact. As before, non-perishable foodstuffs and weapons are a must, and some kind of discreet exit point is highly desirable. I can see the billboard now: Affordable, modern living for the zombie-conscious consumer.

Fourth solution -- reasonable

Let's face it -- chances are, you're actually going to be making do and improvising very close to wherever you happen to be at the moment when the living dead start snacking on us. In this case, a brick or stone structure is going to be ideal, with a sturdy wood-frame house being your next best choice. Seal all windows and doors as best you can and try to have a fall-back point that can be secured quickly. Collect tap water before the supply gets interrupted, and try to gather up a can opener and some non-perishable food from whatever is available.

If you can't get a hold of firearms, find something sturdy like a table leg to use as a weapon. Try not to get stuck with anyone visibly injured, unstable or terribly annoying. In zombie movies, people like this have a nasty tendency to somehow let the zombies inside or become zombies themselves. This is generally considered to be a bad thing.

Some closing thoughts

Wherever you end up when the dead rise in search of fresh brains, lay low and keep your head. If it comes down to it, try to take as many of them with you as you can. See you in Hell!!!